dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Randomize
