Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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