I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
