I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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