he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
