Pregnant stripper...not hot.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
