It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
