This girl is more easily done than said...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
