yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
