I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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