i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
