DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
