just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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