I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
