i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
cat food counts as protein by the way
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
