I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
