She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
So apparently I’m into choking now
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
