someone owes me an orgasm
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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