Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
