Well apparently he's into motor boating.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
