i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
it's great music for shaving your balls
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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