The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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