Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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