I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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