Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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