You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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