I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
