Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
