I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
