I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
