Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
