i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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