If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
