what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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