I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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