I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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