Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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