So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
