I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
