i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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