Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Dicks are not precious.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
