I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
