This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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