I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
