she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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