i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
