Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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