Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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