just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
