Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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