I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
