I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Will exercising make me less horny?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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