I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
