All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
