Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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