I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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