I could make wine with my vomit
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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