He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
