Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
