so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
